I suppose experience is what I’ve been after all along. Back in the day, during my college years, especially at the HBCUs I’ve been blessed to attend, I’ve seen more than my share of fights, comprised of individuals and groups, although I’ve been doubly blessed to be a peacemaker rather than a warmonger. Whenever the masses would run away from the gunshots or surging crowds, I would run to them. Whenever an argument would break out, I tended to seek resolution rather than further animosity and chaos. The experience was visceral and real, requiring me to be totally present in those moments of conflict. The same emotional highs that create vivid memories and the addictive need to experience them again and again also act as markers in our mind’s eye, drawing us back to them for the reliving, again and again.
In those days when experimentation was the goal, rather than the method of intoxication being the most important aspect, it was the friendships and the journey itself that provided the experiential manna, which is why that time period came and passed in my life as a phase, one which I look back on and do not miss but appreciate, for the experiences and memories both good and bad. Attempting to hold on to experience and to keep memories alive are both banes of the dope fiend seeking to escape experience.
Being caught up in sensual experience is also expressed by the pleasures we accrue as we age, the food and drinks we like, the television shows and movies, the drugs, the sexual positions, all remnants of previous experience. For example, I love McDonalds Big Macs because they’re good. I’ve known they are good since the first time I ate one and they taste the same today as they did back then. Experience. I eat them now seeking that same taste, comfortable, familiar, without mystery. I watch science and speculative fiction television and movie shows because I seek a return of the familiarity of youth, the books and the comics I used to read. These movies, with this new technology brings these things to life in ways that were impossible to do just a decade ago and it is a joy to me to see the characters I could only imagine by animating a 2-dimensional comic up on the big screen, their muscles just as taut, their exploits just as superhuman as I remember. Experience, albeit more cerebral than actual.
At a certain point in life, experience becomes stale. Most people, when this occurs, take refuge in the fact that they’ve always done it before so they continue to do it, even though every fibre in their being is telling them that it is not working anymore. As with dope fiends, the high doesn’t get you as high anymore. With food lovers, the big mac doesn’t please your palate the way it used to, even though it tastes the same, something is missing, the enjoyment, the pure, sensual satisfaction.
Rather than look at these thoughts, examine these feelings of discontentment, we seek to drown ourselves even further in a miasma of sensual experience hoping to find that dish that reawakens our passions, that sexual position that takes us just a bit closer to the perfect orgasm, that drug that makes us just a little bit higher, that takes us away from the underlying realization that none of this experience is enough to truly satisfy something within us, something that is telling us that there is more, that we need more, that we have to have, more.
For those to whom these feelings overwhelm, experience steps in and they/we create, consciously and unconsciously, conditions in their/our life that send them/us spiraling into the dark night of the soul and the supreme realization at that point is that change is an experience. That, perhaps, there is more to life than what we have previously known, that perhaps drugs aren’t the way out at all. Perhaps there is a bliss beyond the sexual orgasm, a physical contentment beyond that provided by the comfort foods that we consume daily. That experience is not bounded by what we’ve experienced before. That there are new experiences out there, new forms of perception, new forms of sustenance, new forms of living, of loving, of experiencing life in its variagated aspects.
The transition from one perceptive narrative to another can be immediate or transitional, can occur in an instant or take a day, a week, month, year or decades. But whenever it occurs, at some point you stop and realize that you are not in the same place that you were, that you are not the same person that you used to be and that something happened at some point to make you different. Meditative journeys into Self confirm this realization and you begin to trace the path back, into your past, noting the milestones and important events that changed the course of your life to its present one, morphing your perception of yourself and the world into the one you currently possess, or are currently in the process of formulating through your own unique experiences.
When you realize that you no longer need the crutches of the past, that you no longer smoke the cigarettes or the weed, that you no longer watch Jerry Springer or engage in the neighborhood or workplace gossip, that you no longer seek outside of yourself – in another person for instance – for completion, the quality of your experiences take on an entirely different tone, and your worldview expands as you become aware of alternative perspectives and the interconnectedness of humanity as a whole.
Life being comprised of successive experiences, being a collective experience in and of itself, I suppose what we’re all after is experience. I’m not special, or at least, any more special than you are. Being consciously aware of our movement through the days and years of our lives becomes a paramount accomplishment when we finally realize that each and every event, each and every choice is meaningful and that the quality of our lives is dependent upon these decisions that lead up to and make up our individuated life paths. In this viewpoint there are no bad decisions, no negative occurences, because every, single thing that happens to us has meaning and leads to further movement, evolution, and even, change.
Change is a good thing. Clarity of mind and the purification of the body/temple go hand with the shedding of the past in the attempt to create a present and future of light and love. The importance of finding one’s life purpose and living in accordance with the truths we discover on our journeys of experience cannot be understated. Change is inevitable, the removal of the physical, mental and spiritual detritus that obscures the perfection of our conception is evolutionary in nature and will occur at every level of Creation as a condition of life itself. Growth, movement, experience. In seeking the light, what further evidence of Divinity’s perfection do we need, other than the proof of our own experiences?
I opened my eyes to a new year and didn’t remember who I used to be. I reveled in the freedom but found myself wandering the streets looking into glass windows desperately trying to forget places I knew. People brushed rudely past, pointedly ignoring my knowledgeable look, their eyes shifting away as they retreated from the Now back into the past and future of their regrets and fears, their own attempts to forget as clear to me as the clashing shades and hues of their auras. I chuckled knowingly. This was the way of the world.
Are you ok with the fact that the past is gone, never to return? That the good old days no longer exist and are best left to stories told to children and strangers, gathered ’round? That what was true back then is only an indication of the way things used to be, and not an indication of how they are going to be tommorrow?
The night I found out that I could fly was an important milestone for me. I remember it vividly. I was escaping from a situation and found myself walking. The lightness of leaving lifted my spirits and body simultaneously and I found myself bouncing higher and higher with each step. By controlling my emotions I found that I could regulate my height and I explored a prison for psychic criminals, passing recalcitrant Yogins, Fallen Angels and social Deviants alike, searching for her.
If there are an infinite array of Quantum universes, one after another receding into the timelessness of the eternal, who is to say what is real and what is not? In an infinite Creation aren’t all things probable? And, if they are, does that mean there is a Disney universe out there somewhere where Mickey Mouse is King and Minnie is his Queen? Daisy could be his Courtesan while Donald plots jealously to murder Mickey in his sleep, reclaim his woman – and make Minnie his Ho’ - then take over the Kingdom. Could it be possible that we access these universes or travel through them with each random imagination and daydream, and that we sojourn those dimensions/universes closest to our current reality with each decision that we make, shifting through them like fish through layers of the ocean? That the possibilities that we envision become real if our intentions are clear enough? That our ability to manifest our desires takes us irrevocably through higher or lower dimensions along the trajectory of our eternal journey, depending upon our innate spiritual propensities?
I observe the daybreak from the vantage point of a convict, trying to figure out how to break out of this prison I’ve created for myself. The walls close in around me and I chafe beneath the weight of my chains. The stars seem so close as the sun rises and they fade, leaving me with only a vague memory of their position. If I can only remember where they are, I know I can find my way back home, where you are waiting for me, knowing that I will come when I can.
Random moments find me wondering about you, and what it is like living your life. When I pass people on the street sometimes, or see them in cars or sitting in restaurants, I try to envision their lives. I wonder how their houses smell, where they work and do they like it. I try to see the state of their relationships in their eyes and body language, how they interact with the ones they are with, are they restless, and whether or not they know the Secret of Life. I find it most difficult to imagine the ambience of your life. The feel of it.
Deep breaths, 
In fact, reality is different for you and I, to the extent that if we both witnessed the same accident on the street in front of us, we would both describe it differently, as the old example goes. A story told to one person, once it gets 5 or 10 people down the gossip line, is barely recognizeable as the same tale. The car accident, the gossip, both act as recognizable examples of what we all know to be true. People concentrate upon different aspects of any interaction. People apply meaning according to their own definitions of what is meaningful and important, and what is not.
In the West, the 
The plight of the masses in the Western countries is somewhat different. Given the freedoms inherent within the constitutionally democratic and elective representative forms of government, overt material control of populations, physical control of movement and heavy-handed control of information are anathema, as employing such measures would result in an immediate uprising of the populations if done in a manner similar to that of those fascist governments in Southwest Asia and North Africa. Instead, the art of persuasion – by way of 
From the purely material and psychological point of view, it is human nature to rebel against authority, to seek our highest possible state of being. From the takeover and co-optation of hip hop as global youth culture to the continuing migration of populations from their ethnic homelands to hybrid cultures around the world, old ways of thinking and living are shifting as new ways of thinking and living become more widespread. While it is a given that some are content with living their lives in relative peace and anonymity there is a fundamental human dignity that suffers beneath the weight of oppression and that cannot be denied expression forever. As the Western nations currently attempt to defuse the freedom movements in Southwest Asia and North Africa by implementing Democratic Reforms, they are attempting to replace one form of overt control with another form of covert control. With the increase in relative freedoms these new forms of governments will allow their people, it is quite possible that the powers-that-be may suppress further dissension and out and out anarchy for a while longer. But as a side-effect of the global connection provided by the Internet, the dissatisfaction of Westerners with these forms of government are also apparent to those who don’t even have those freedoms, and as one material revolution on one side of the world is nominally stabilized, another, deeper revolution of consciousness will break through the strictly enforced media silence to attempt the overthrow of the mental and spiritual controls of the technological West against its own populations. The victory of consciousness over control mechanisms, no matter how seemingly pervasive or irresistible they might be, is inevitable. The only question, is when.
The decision to move on comes at the point where the Cascade of Painful Memories, hoarded and cherished over a lifetime, meets the Avalanche of Apprehension, which is the fear that the future will be as the past. The point where this occurs is, of course, the Now, where the thought dawns upon us that we have a choice, of either remaining on the path we are currently on or moving in a new and uncharted direction. This is an instant where the moment crystalizes, becoming forever highlighted as a Crossroads Instant, where two paths diverging become clear and a decision must be made which renders one either free of one’s path up unto that point or slave to a decision which takes one deep into the talus slope of pain and regret that continuing the same path entails.
We fool ourselves with words like responsibility, and love, all the while knowing that, beneath these words lies another one, more indicative of the true state of our being. That word is fear. Getting to that point, recognizing the fear, requires the same diligence of introspection and examination that we apply to any test for a new position, or for a grade in school and in life. It requires one to dive past the blocking memories and self-definitions that protect our Ego from its own dissolution, the rationales that we tell ourselves in order to justify our decisions and make us as comfortable in the hellish lives we’ve chosen as possible.
Holding on to the nightmare comes to define us, and molds our identities accordingly. We become sarcastic and bitter, our interactions with others reflecting our decreasing opinion of ourselves. Seeking salvation we find comfort in the company of others like ourselves, crass and mired in the fleeting comforts of this world, finding momentary peace from our internal disquiet in drugs, alcohol, sex and the pursuit of mindless pleasures. We cherish our gossip and backbiting, descending wholeheartedly into the complex of needs and desires that material living cultivates, becoming vengeful and petty, believing that the physical orgasm is the epitome of sensual pleasure, only equalled, perhaps, by the increasingly popular and voyeuristic sport of intentionally inflicted pain and suffering.
This willfulness of action is defined as Free Will in too many instances where we justify our behavior by claiming it is our choice, our decision to make. We rail against destiny and fate, decrying the existence of either in favor of the supremacy of the mind, the intellect over forces greater than us. We speak G-d out of existence, define Him and relegate Him to the sky and to the pages of dusty old tomes, read only by the ignorant and the uninformed; this, according to the most advanced egoic masturbators among us. Popular culture supports this perceptive framework, as does education and the institutions of society, as we destroy the world in our image, claiming to know what is right as we are ruled by the limited processes of the Ego, forgoing the divine connection to this planet and the intelligences that dwell herein and denigrating them as being myths, childhood stories and religious exaggerations. All the while, we sink deeper and deeper into our illusions, comforting each other with sex and sweet lies, whispered desperately like the most obscene of dirty pillow talk.
Slave to the senses, we despair. And, in the midst of that despair, we cry out to G-d and are then presented with successive moments, choices, opportunities to move on. Again and again, forever and ever, Amen.
Health traumas, accidents, economic woes and the threat of loss, children. There’s nothing like a 4-year old running around the 1-bedroom apartment to remind you that time is flying past and that the future is meaningful and should be ordered, according to the needs of the moment. A perfect contradiction.
Embracing the mysticism of numbers, of astrology, of quantum physics, of chaos theory and alchemy reveal the patterns of synchronicity that cross and crisscross our paths daily as signposts along the way to be followed or ignored based upon our levels of comprehension and the ability to focus our attention. Or, eschewing these means, going deeper within, seeking the key to knowledge of Self, finding all understanding within releasing the binds that constrain the soul.
I’ve been avoiding this topic for a while, although I have alluded to it quite often in other writes. Letting go. Two relatively innocuous words that, when placed together, have such a profound meaning. Of course the phrase means different things to different people, and there are levels and variations of letting go, aren’t there. As above, so below, at both the micro and macro scales of our divine interaction.
Holding on to hate, pain, sorrow, or even to some semblances of love, chains us to the past. Continuing to dwell on the things that happened to us 20 years ago, 10 years ago, last month, yesterday, take us out of the Now and into a space of vague recollection that consists more of emotional impressions than actual memory. When you think about it, when you recall some terrible event of the past, it is the emotions of the recollection that keep you coming back to that memory, because you are tied to the way it makes you feel in that moment of remembering. So while there may be images of the scene flitting thorugh your mind, they are secondary to the pain, to the sorrow, to the habit of emotional addiction that feeds our inner pain-bodies, our Egos. We’ve spoken of this in many ways, many different times, in these blogs that we write, of our Egos, and how they consist of familial and cultural impressions that form a false Self masking our true Selves beneath, how we think that we are these memories, these thoughts, this person who does this and that, who lives here and loves him or her, when the truth really is that our core Self is eternal and immortal and beyond the petty concerns of our daily grind.
Conversely, worrying about or brooding over the future is similarly negative. Doing so, again, takes us out of the moment, away from what is happening right Now and into an area of indeterminacy, since no one knows the future and, in fact, visualizing it in a negative fashion coalesces galactic and infinite forces toward the manifestation of that vision and increases the possiblity of whatever it is you’re worrying or brooding about actually happening in your life. It is another habit, equally as useless as dwelling on the past, but one that most of us engage in.
My worries and regrets mirror yours. We find it hard to let go because we are invested in our material lives. We love each other physically and emotionally and have created patterns of interaction that valid themselves through shared psychic activity that feeds our pain bodies and keeps us swinging between highs and lows, depression and elation, sadness and happiness. Tied to the dharmic wheel we conduct our lives in the fashion in which we have been trained, taking our places in society and fulfilling the remorseless needs of familial and cultural production, being father and wife, sister and lover, friend and enemy, worker and boss. Tied equally to the karmic wheel we create karma with our reactions and actions, responding negatively and positively to the things that happen to us, most times not even realizing that there is another choice, that we don’t have to respond the way we’ve been conditioned to, that an eye for an eye is not the only way and even that the physical and emotional expressions of love that we are used to are equally karma-causing and bind us as remorselessly to the wheel of incarnation as do the infinite permutations of negative action and reaction.
We don’t have to be who we were, 5 years ago or even earlier today. We don’t have to do tommorrow what we did today. The emotional investment that we hold on to is what keeps us bound by illusory chains and the import we give to them makes them seem unbreakable to our minds. When we realize that it is our minds and not our Selves that we are catering to, we initiate a chain reaction, a paradigm shift that sets off implosive reprecussions at every level of our consciousnesses.
Letting go of these things does not mean forgoing your responsiblities. What it does mean is centering your Self within your Self and not upon something external to your Self. It does not mean up and leaving your family, quitting your job, going to a mountain and meditating upon your navel. It means shifting your view of yourself, going within and truly knowing who you are and what you want and, even more importantly, why you are here on this Earth where you are at, in this time and in the position and situation you are in. Letting go is finally finding your purpose, refusing to give in to the Ego’s selfish whisperings, finally realizing that the ego is the slave and the Self is the Master, breaking the pattern that was formed by a lifetime of personal and cultural production.
Childhood relationships with parents and siblings, traumatic emotional events, the lack of love or attention, all affect these later, adult relationships, forming layer after layer of fear and doubt over our core Self, obscuring the truth of our souls even from ourselves. Successive dark nights of the soul lead to increasing inner work that results in the clearing of these layers, the recognition of their effect in our lives, revealing the shadow of a Self that we’ve long forgotten existed, that we haven’t seen since the laughing, shouting, playing days of early childhood. Exuberance and innocence mark the paths of the young and the young at heart, while fearful frailty and timidity are the hallmarks of the old and the old in experience.
If we do find that Other, rest assured that our Self will attempt to rise through the detritus of pain and heartache. Self will attempt to fight through the negativity and fear of past experience, causing all of that to bubble to the surface in the form of renewed doubts and revisited insecurities that lead to some inevitable expression on the gross material plane, often in the form of acting out, or reverting to character, or attempting to find solace in the effects of illicit drugs, heart-numbing sex or the obliviousness of alcohol. If we didn’t do these things, we’d have to actually deal with the issues, which are often to painful to even acknowledge consciously, let alone seek after some internal form of conflict resolution.
Until we choose freedom. Choose to confront the Volcanic Eruption of Disfunction, the spewing forth of pain and heartache, the closeted wail of grief and terrific anger, the unconscionable dejection of our inner rejection, pent for so long to be finally released and explored, past the dark night of the soul and into the new dawn of the spirit’s awakening. True love of another is only possible when we can truly love ourselves, and too many of us pretend we do, when we really don’t. Too many of us can remember, uncomfortably, the times when we couldn’t look at our reflection in the mirror. The times when another’s words of praise were like knives in our eyes, our weak smiles and frail acknowledgements the best we could offer in the face of such obvious lies. Standing at the pinnacle of success knowing that we are unworthy, cursing ourselves within as the accolades pile up without, the material facade of wealth a golden buddha’s masking of an inner emptiness that yawns and consumes our souls like miniscule fish within the Gulf of Innocence Lost.
We ought to be greatful for each other. If you love someone, give them a hug and a kiss today, and tell them so. Love them while the loving is good, and thank Divinity for the chance to do so, knowing full well that when your relationships are tested, it will be your own intestinal fortitude that will be seared on the crucible, and the way that you react will reveal the depths of your love, and whether or not it was and is a true, unconditional expression thereof, or something lesser, and more human. And if it is lesser? Let it go, knowing that each experience brings us closer to the Ultimate, sends us soaring higher into the ranges of the Divine, experientially sober and desirous of that which we all yearn to know, a true and abiding expression of True Love, faithful and unconditional.
