Inner Body Illumination: As within, so without

Written mostly 3 years ago, but updated now, this article is the culmination of an intense process. In reflective moments arising out of the stillness of the Now, vignettes, scenes from my life, and epiphany-like realizations have helped me to pinpoint where I am, as far as the course of my Inner and Outer journeys is concerned. The empathic resonations of others are catylysts for a number of realizations regarding our individual life paths and needs.

They have helped me to focus upon my Now, and why I am the way I am. These particular musing are for my own personal edification and help me to draw correlations between events that I have previously ‘not seen’ in a holistic sense, rather, I have been interpreting them individually, as individuated signposts, but not necessarily continuous telephone poles, if you get my analogy.

I first learned to enter deep into my ‘inner body’ as a pre-teen child, during experiences of sleep paralysis. Then, as a teen, in order to escape peer persecution I would go deep within until I could not hear the teasing and laughing around me…sometimes entering that deep, vast space that lay beneath Ego and hovering, silent and formless, above my body, temporarily oblivious to the ego-based fear complex that left me, at that time, shattered, confused and alone inside myself. Then, the spiritual ecstasy of my early adolescent experience of Oneness and its pervading and compassion that I’ve spoken of in other blogs released something pent within me, contextualized my experiences at such a tender age and set me on a path that culminated in my total immersion in the experiential world in my late teens and early 20s (early college and military years), so that when i entered my early mid-20s and began consciously and subconsciously experimenting with meditation techniques, I experienced successes beyond what might be considered those of a novice.

All of these experiences are returning to my mind now, as the knowledge coalesces past the border of gnosis and I recognize it all, intuitively, as steps, stages along the path that I’ve taken without formal guidance, but taken nonetheless. The zone, the astral traveling, the sleep paralysis, the ability to concentrate intensely, specific incidences and experiences that shine forth in the dim recesses of linear memory, seem bound now, by a tenuous thread of consciousness, of purpose. Each book; hundreds or thousands perhaps: science fiction, psychology, fantasy, self-help, meditative, spiritual, romance, adventure; each relationship: loving, hating, platonic, sexual, sensual, twisted, normal; each action: negative, positive, fear-based, love-based, lust-based; each result: good, bad, seemingly neutral, has contributed to the template of my Life, contributes to the templates of each of our lives as we consciously and unconcsiously co-create our shared realities with the greater Reality that is shared by all of Creation.

I recognize, in my life now, advanced stages, or the ambient results of long periods of meditation and the inner sojourn, and wonder why I’m here, in this particular place in my journey, and also why I’ve been so hesitant to ‘take the next step’.

That next step, of course, is the one taken by all true aspirants to spiritual elevation known as the ‘death of the Self’. Whether it be Bruce Wayne in the mountains of Asia under the tutaledge of Ra’s Al Ghul and the Brotherhood of Shadows, Luke Skywalker under the tutaledge of Yoda on Dagobah or any anonymous father anywhere in the world who has lost his entire family descending from that low to the visceral and soul-aching experience of the dark night of the Soul – from whence there are only two directions to proceed – every Soul must reap the inevitable karmic reprecussions of their soujourn upon this planet and the myriad realities dotting the ocean of consciousness, like so many pearls upon an infinite bed of obsidian sand.

The past few years have brought me to, through and past the point described above. Pain, heartache, failure. Rejection, isolation, enforced solitude. An intense examination of intentions and my life path has been the result. The recapitulation of a lifetime, of choices made, paths embarked upon, has been the methodology undertaken between bouts of recrimination and self-hatred, between moments, days and weeks of crass materiality and depthless spiritual supplication, seeking the god within and the God without. 

Facing one’s inner Self is what most of us spend our entire lives trying not to do. Listening to the silence within, that lies just beneath the incessant chatter of our Egos, the constant rumination, mumblings, worries, natterings and nabobs of a terrible and sentient alien that masks itself as our Self. Cultivating the Now, silence, watchfulness, presence, reveals it tracks and it is always, instantly silenced in the face of our conscious scrutiny. Inner-body awareness, shifting attention to silence or space, bringing  your awareness to the moment, the Now, are all effective methods to reveal this psychological construct that hijacks our spiritual and material lives before we’re even old enough to realize what is being done to us.

This inner body illumination, without mantra or visualization, can be a primary method of inner exploration for anyone, at any time. As above, so below, as within, so without. Illumination of the inner life sheds light upon the outer light and those around you will notice the difference in you as a palpable emanation, whether it be a greater sense of presence, peace, or both.

The bare outlines of possibility are tantalizing me just on the horizon of my previous experiments, and the ability to move ‘inside’ in order to allow the storms of life to pass is an irresistable goal, for me…emotional storms notwithstanding, the beauty of life becomes more visceral, the realization of Oneness more than an intellectual exercise, but a lived Reality. ‘Death to the Self’ is the imposition of Truth over the framework of truth. The sublimation of the subjective to the objective, a final opening of one’s life to the omniverse, releasing all pain, all happiness, all history, all future, into the expanse of Creation, baring yourself, exposing your innermost secrets, thoughts and dreams, to the world. And knowing, simultaneously, that all is One, that no one is better than any one, and that forgiveness, and surrender, are the only paths to the recognition of Love, that primal emanation exuded from the pores of the mulitverse itself, expressed through motion and kundalini’s serpeant-like coils, roiling beneath the veneer of time, and space, settling gently in the root chakra at the bottom of our spines, waiting for the opportunity to manifest its transformative Truthes in ever aspect of our lives.

The Sages say that the lusting after life, the sublimation of the Ego to the search for passion and fulfillment, is but a shadow of the true ecstasy possible in the spiritual realm. That a sexual orgasm is a pale rendition of the sublime rendering of ecstatic union, as is experienced by Spiritual Devotees of eternal parentage, throughout Time and across Space.

Moving beyond these limiting categories, we come to the realm of Eternity. The eternal Now, the only portal through which the un-manifested rises into manifestation. Breath-wise centered, solid, girded by the weight of flesh, the tuning perfection of blood and organs, Light blessed into Being we are, tossed into Creation and the joyous wonder of Life.

Experiential Living: Life and lemonade

I suppose experience is what I’ve been after all along. Back in the day, during my college years, especially at the HBCUs I’ve been blessed to attend, I’ve seen more than my share of fights, comprised of individuals and groups, although I’ve been doubly blessed to be a peacemaker rather than a warmonger. Whenever the masses would run away from the gunshots or surging crowds, I would run to them. Whenever an argument would break out, I tended to seek resolution rather than further animosity and chaos. The experience was visceral and real, requiring me to be totally present in those moments of conflict. The same emotional highs that create vivid memories and the addictive need to experience them again and again also act as markers in our mind’s eye, drawing us back to them for the reliving, again and again.

In those days when experimentation was the goal, rather than the method of intoxication being the most important aspect, it was the friendships and the journey itself that provided the experiential manna, which is why that time period came and passed in my life as a phase, one which I look back on and do not miss but appreciate, for the experiences and memories both good and bad. Attempting to hold on to experience and to keep memories alive are both banes of the dope fiend seeking to escape experience.

Being caught up in sensual experience is also expressed by the pleasures we accrue as we age, the food and drinks we like, the television shows and movies, the drugs, the sexual positions, all remnants of previous experience. For example, I love McDonalds Big Macs because they’re good. I’ve known they are good since the first time I ate one and they taste the same today as they did back then. Experience. I eat them now seeking that same taste, comfortable, familiar, without mystery. I watch science and speculative fiction television and movie shows because I seek a return of the familiarity of youth, the books and the comics I used to read. These movies, with this new technology brings these things to life in ways that were impossible to do just a decade ago and it is a joy to me to see the characters I could only imagine by animating a 2-dimensional comic up on the big screen, their muscles just as taut, their exploits just as superhuman as I remember. Experience, albeit more cerebral than actual.

At a certain point in life, experience becomes stale. Most people, when this occurs, take refuge in the fact that they’ve always done it before so they continue to do it, even though every fibre in their being is telling them that it is not working anymore. As with dope fiends, the high doesn’t get you as high anymore. With food lovers, the big mac doesn’t please your palate the way it used to, even though it tastes the same, something is missing, the enjoyment, the pure, sensual satisfaction.

Rather than look at these thoughts, examine these feelings of discontentment, we seek to drown ourselves even further in a miasma of sensual experience hoping to find that dish that reawakens our passions, that sexual position that takes us just a bit closer to the perfect orgasm, that drug that makes us just a little bit higher, that takes us away from the underlying realization that none of this experience is enough to truly satisfy something within us, something that is telling us that there is more, that we need more, that we have to have, more.

For those to whom these feelings overwhelm, experience steps in and they/we create, consciously and unconsciously, conditions in their/our life that send them/us spiraling into the dark night of the soul and the supreme realization at that point is that change is an experience. That, perhaps, there is more to life than what we have previously known, that perhaps drugs aren’t the way out at all. Perhaps there is a bliss beyond the sexual orgasm, a physical contentment beyond that provided by the comfort foods that we consume daily. That experience is not bounded by what we’ve experienced before. That there are new experiences out there, new forms of perception, new forms of sustenance, new forms of living, of loving, of experiencing life in its variagated aspects.

The transition from one perceptive narrative to another can be immediate or transitional, can occur in an instant or take a day, a week, month, year or decades. But whenever it occurs, at some point you stop and realize that you are not in the same place that you were, that you are not the same person that you used to be and that something happened at some point to make you different. Meditative journeys into Self confirm this realization and you begin to trace the path back, into your past, noting the milestones and important events that changed the course of your life to its present one, morphing your perception of yourself and the world into the one you currently possess, or are currently in the process of formulating through your own unique experiences.

When you realize that you no longer need the crutches of the past, that you no longer smoke the cigarettes or the weed, that you no longer watch Jerry Springer or engage in the neighborhood or workplace gossip, that you no longer seek outside of yourself – in another person for instance – for completion, the quality of your experiences take on an entirely different tone, and your worldview expands as you become aware of alternative perspectives and the interconnectedness of humanity as a whole.

Life being comprised of successive experiences, being a collective experience in and of itself, I suppose what we’re all after is experience. I’m not special, or at least, any more special than you are. Being consciously aware of our movement through the days and years of our lives becomes a paramount accomplishment when we finally realize that each and every event, each and every choice is meaningful and that the quality of our lives is dependent upon these decisions that lead up to and make up our individuated life paths. In this viewpoint there are no bad decisions, no negative occurences, because every, single thing that happens to us has meaning and leads to further movement, evolution, and even, change.

Change is a good thing. Clarity of mind and the purification of the body/temple go hand with the shedding of the past in the attempt to create a present and future of light and love. The importance of finding one’s life purpose and living in accordance with the truths we discover on our journeys of experience cannot be understated. Change is inevitable, the removal of the physical, mental and spiritual detritus that obscures the perfection of our conception is evolutionary in nature and will occur at every level of Creation as a condition of life itself. Growth, movement, experience. In seeking the light, what further evidence of Divinity’s perfection do we need, other than the proof of our own experiences?

A little bit’a soul: Are you stuck in place?

Have you ever felt like you weren’t moving? Were not progressing? Were in a place of stasis, where every attempt you made to go forward was met by an invisible-but-irresistable force that kept you still, thoughts whirling furiously, frantically, mind wondering why?

You attempt to get ahead on the job but you are met with resistance from your co-workers and boss in the little things; the woman in the stall next to you won’t let you borrow her stapler; the guy down at the front door on security checks your badge just a bit longer than everyone else every day and you’re just wondering, why me? Or, your boyfriend, whom you want to leave, is suddenly the nicest person you ever met and all of the things you’d ever thought about him seemed suddenly non-existent? How about that friend who has always been there for you, changing up, becoming suddenly short-tempered and decidely non-friend-like? What in the world is going on?!

What do you do in times like this? Do you continue to press forward or stop for a moment to examine your motivations? Is it true that we are the Deciders? That our Will is paramount and that we can, if we desire it badly enough, do anything and everything that we choose?

Are there outside forces that act upon us in ways that restrict our free choice and possibilities?

Is it possible that other people can be agents of these outside forces? That greater forces are at work that move us inexorably in certain directions despite our invocation of choice, that Fate is, indeed, the ultimate Decider?

As an intriguing example, the convoluted and philosophically dense Matrix series examines these questions in detail, seeming to finally conclude that Fate and Free Will align outside of the limited purview of human consciousness at the level of archetypes and powers outside of space and time, relative to nothing that we understand – with our limited 5 senses – as stable, or real. The Architect and the Oracle, representing Yin and Yang – and representing greater forces of cause and effect – formed a duality that circumscribed Neo’s possibilities completely, his ruminations regarding his Free Will becoming, in the end, the fulfillment of yet another example of futile railings against the depradations of an endless series of non-linear prophetic threads that run through societal discourse the world across.

Where is the point of egress? Do you find yourself looking for it? Finding yourself stuck, do you search your life events, examining each moment and action, seeking a way out of the quagmire? Do you eagerly await the next synchronicity which may provide you with a way forward? Do you go within and examine your motivations after all? Find out if you are being true to yourself? Do you even know what being true to yourself is? Who you are? What you want?

And, if you do know who you are and what you want, does the stasis that you find yourself in suddenly make sense? Is it a waiting place, a purgatory of sorts between one lifestyle and another? Between one choice and the other? Between this person and that one? Between this place and the next?

It’s funny how, so many times, once we calm down, cultivate our silence and peace, go within and actually look and see where it is that we are within ourselves, that it becomes clear where we are outside of ourselves. Why the things in our lives manifest the way they do, why we are going through the drama, the mess, the pain, the frustration. And, equally amazing, is the fact that once we come to this realization, by doing an end run around the ego and seeking gnosis – by engaging the Self – suddenly, things open up, the resistance that you felt from people, events, things, seems to dissipate into thin air and the synchronicities that you have been waiting for begin to manifest and you find the path into the future opening wide, allowing you entrance into a place filled with light, love and understanding.

But more than that, you find yourself clear, even if only until the next experience of resistance arrives, and the entire process starts all over again. The ultimate realization is that this process can end with the understanding that perception is key, as is self-knowledge. Perception of forces in the outside world, their relation to your current state of mind and experiences, and your perception of yourself and your ego’s attempts to distract you from the Now, as well as its desire to keep you regretting (Past) and worrying (Future), and definitely not seeking within for self-knowledge, or paying attention without, for synchronicitous events.

But then, maybe all of this is just the echo of ruminations, thought spent in the imaginations of a febrile and slightly-off-kilter mind. Or, maybe, it just takes a little bit’a soul to get from there to here, where us crazy folk reside.